Forgiveness

“You can forgive the person and end up loving them even more than you did before because now you love them for who they truly are—even the ugly.” - Adele

Forgiveness:

Can one person save a marriage?

This was the question that my wife, Adelé, gingerly typed into Google a month after I dropped the bomb that I was moving out. She had spent that month broken and incapacitated, mostly in bed, crying herself to sleep. She got up to feed the kids and take them to school. It was all she had strength for.

She wasn’t looking to find hope. She was looking for the validation she needed to divorce me. After 9,5 years of addiction, rehabs, multiple affairs, lies, betrayal, me disappearing for days on end on drug binges, financial betrayal, gaslighting, emotional abuse…she had had enough. And who could blame her? What person in their right mind would want to save a marriage like this?

What she found, was the hope she wasn’t looking for. She found a Marriage Helper video on YouTube stating that yes, as insane as it sounds, one person can indeed save a marriage.

She figured: “I’ve tried everything else, what do I have to lose?”. So, with faith a mustard seed would be ashamed of, the energy of a deflated balloon and hope hanging by the thinnest of threads, she decided to take action.

Why would she even contemplate trying to save this marriage? Did I deserve it? Hell no. Was this the life she deserved? Absolutely not. Was this her only option? Not at all. She has it all. Beauty, brains, love, compassion, a successful business, she’s an incredible mom, unselfish, giving, serving. She had PLENTY of options.

She decided to stand for this marriage because she craved peace, and peace meant living consistently with her beliefs and values. Her belief system told her that, even though biblically she had grounds for divorce, she also had grounds for forgiveness and grace. And that’s the kind of person she wanted to be, irrespective of whether I came to the party or not.

So, she decided to fight, tooth and nail. She fought for God, she fought for me, she fought for the legacy she would leave for our children and for generations to come, she fought for her.

If you’re in a space where you want to fight for your marriage, but there seems to be no hope, I want to encourage you with some practical steps that you can take TODAY to start the journey to healing yourself and restoring your marriage.

Ready? Let’s go.

Forgive

“Woah, wait a minute! That low-life, no-good, son of a… doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!!!” You’re right, they don’t. But, as the old adage goes, unforgiveness is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die. I know it doesn't feel like you’re the one drinking the poison, because the alternative feels worse.

The alternative is feeling like you’re letting them get away with it, like what they did is OK, giving them a ‘free pass’, like forgiveness equals weakness. Forgiveness would feel like you’re invalidating the pain that they are causing you.

The very fact that you’re having to choose to forgive validates that what they did/are doing is wrong and is causing you a tremendous amount of pain. You wouldn’t need to forgive someone for giving you a million dollars, would you?

Forgiveness is NOT excusing their behavior, it is not letting them off the hook, it is not stopping them from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.

Adelé: “I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel my pain. In spending so much time and energy trying to punish and control him and trying to get him to hurt, I was captive.”

Forgiveness is releasing the burden of what is being done to you and not seeking vengeance for it.

We’ve heard that we need to ‘Forgive and forget’, and when we can’t forget, we believe that we are unable to, or haven’t forgiven. That’s rubbish! It’s impossible to forget! Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the pain even though we do remember.

Forgiveness IS freeing yourself of carrying a burden that you were not designed to bear. There is no healing, no moving forward, no freedom for you without this integral step.

Forgiveness is detaching your self-worth and what you deserve from your spouse's behavior.

Forgiveness is not weakness. It is the strongest thing you could possibly do.

If you wait to feel like forgiving, you may wait forever. Forgiveness works the other way around. It is a choice, in spite of how we’re feeling. You choose to say the words out loud (to yourself, for now, not your spouse), 20 times a day for the next 6 months if you have to. I can’t give you many guarantees along this journey, but here’s one: if you choose to commit to the process of decision-based forgiveness, I promise you, your emotions will eventually follow.

Sometimes you have to say it through gritted teeth. Sometimes you drop an F-Bomb after you’ve said it. Sometimes you’re on your knees and the words can hardly cross your lips through the sobs of despair, anger and hopelessness. That’s ok. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t have to look pretty. Whatever it looks like, just do it. You deserve the freedom.

If you’re a Christ-follower, there’s another reason why you need to choose forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15: 14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

There’s no way around it. If we want to obey Jesus, forgiveness is a ‘must’.

Now, there is grace underpinning all of this. He is gracious and compassionate, patient, he catches your tears in a bottle, He loves you with an everlasting love and His heart breaks for the pain you’re going through. He knows how hard this is for us to do.

We can’t do this forgiveness-thing by ourselves. We need God’s help.

Here’s a prayer that might help:

“Father, I am broken. I don’t see any hope, I don’t want to go through this pain, I don’t understand why this is happening or even why You’re allowing it.

I know that I am supposed to love and forgive like You have loved and forgiven me, but I don’t want to. What is happening is unjust and wrong, and actually, I wish you would rain fire and brimstone down upon all these people that are hurting me and my family.

I don’t understand the selfishness, the brazenness of their sin, and the sheer lack of remorse they are showing. None of this is right or OK. If I’m honest, what I really feel is hatred. I hate them.

I also want to honor and obey you. I don’t want to become someone I don’t even like, and I feel I’m headed that way. I hate the misery. I hate the fact that this is the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up…10 times during the night, clutching my chest from the anxiety.

So, here I am, warts and all. I don’t have eloquent words and fancy scriptures to pray. All I want is peace and for my marriage to be restored. I have tried it my way, and it just ends in disaster.

I ask you, Holy Spirit, to flood my heart and my mind. As I abide in You, that I would exhibit the fruit of the Spirit to those around me. Even those who I feel don’t deserve it. Give me the strength and resolve to forgive, even when I don’t feel like it.

There are many things I don’t know and nothing makes sense, but this I do know: that You are good, that You are loving, and that your plans, purposes and thoughts towards me are good and loving.

I submit to Your Word and Your will.

I choose to forgive.

Be glorified in my life through this pain.

Amen.”

- Ren