You Can’t Change Your Spouse — But That’s Not Bad News

By Adelé

"How do I get my spouse to change?"

It’s the most asked question we hear. And we get it. When the person you love seems like a stranger — when they’ve left, fallen for someone else, or said they’re done — all you want is for them to wake up and be the person you know they could be.

But here’s the truth no one wants to hear:
You can’t change your spouse.

Before you click away, here’s the real miracle:
You don’t have to.
And in fact, the most powerful change in your marriage starts with you.

The Day Everything Shifted

Years ago, in the middle of addiction, betrayal, and emotional wreckage, our marriage looked beyond repair. I (Adelé) was controlling, angry, bitter. He (Ren) was checked out, addicted, and chasing other women. It was chaos.

Then, in one of my lowest moments, I had to face a question that changed everything:

What if I stopped trying to change him… and started changing me?

Not to manipulate. Not to get a reaction. Not to “win him back.”

But because I deserved to become the woman God created me to be.

And guess what?

Everything changed. Not instantly. Not easily. But permanently.

Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn’t Work

When you try to change your spouse, especially after betrayal or separation, it feels manipulative — even if your intentions are good.

Think about it:

• They’ve already built a narrative to justify leaving.

• Your growth threatens that story.

• They might get angry or dismissive — not because you’re not changing, but because deep down… they’re afraid it’s real.

That’s why you can’t change them.
But you can become someone they can’t help but notice.

How One Person Can Change the Whole Marriage Dynamic

When one person heals, the pattern shifts.

We use the “color mixing” analogy:
If I’m red (angry) and you’re blue (defensive), together we make purple (chaos).

But if I heal and become yellow (hopeful, soft, secure), now when red and yellow meet, we get orange.
The dance changes — even if you keep doing the same steps.

In a marriage, this matters.
It only takes one person to interrupt the cycle of blame, bitterness, and burnout.

The Five Areas of Attraction That Change Everything

If you're standing for your marriage, these are your lifelines. Focus here, and you’ll grow in ways that bring peace now and hope later.

1. Spiritual Attraction

Do you live in alignment with what you say you believe?
For us, that meant rediscovering forgiveness, even when the world said revenge was justified.
You don’t have to be religious. But you do need to ask:
Am I living congruently with my values?

2. Emotional Attraction

What kind of emotions do people feel around you?
Are you safe, kind, joyful… or always bitter and guarded?

Healing old wounds. Learning to respond, not react.
Becoming emotionally intelligent isn’t a luxury — it’s essential.

3. Intellectual Attraction

You don’t have to be a genius — just be curious.
Read a book. Watch a documentary. Learn something new.

More than that — show interest in what they care about.
You don’t have to like it. You just have to care that they do.

4. Physical Attraction

This isn’t about becoming a supermodel.
It’s about loving yourself enough to care for your body.

Drink water. Brush your hair. Put on clothes that remind you you’re worth showing up for.
Not for them. For you.

When your inner voice shifts from “You’re a failure” to “You’re worth the effort,” the world starts to respond differently.

5. Social Attraction

Isolation keeps us stuck.
Even introverts need connection — and healing often happens in community.

Take a dance class. Join a book club. Call an old friend.
You don't need dozens of people. But you do need someone.

Do It for You

Here’s what no one tells you:
You won’t make it through this by fixing them. You’ll only survive by becoming whole yourself.

When you focus on your own growth, the fog begins to lift — for you and for them.

And here’s the kicker: even if your marriage doesn’t reconcile (and we hope it does), you’ve already won.

You’ve become the kind of person your kids admire.
The kind of friend people trust.
The kind of future spouse that healthy people are drawn to.

You are not losing.
You’re becoming.

We've recorded a video about this very topic. You can watch it HERE.

Want Help?

If you’re standing for your marriage and want a guide who’s been in the trenches — we coach people just like you. Every day.

We’ll help you create a plan, focus your energy, and walk this hard road without losing yourself in the process.

Join the Marriage Heroes Membership, or book a call with Ren or myself, Adelé.

We’re with you.
We see you.
And we promise — there is no lose in working on you.

You are HEROES. 🖤