The Power of Letting Go: How I Broke Free from Control in My Relationships

For most of my life, I believed that control was the answer to keeping everything in my life in order. I felt like if I could just manage every little detail, everything would turn out okay. But what I didn’t realize was that control, while offering a false sense of security, was actually keeping me trapped. It wasn’t until I started to understand my own controlling behavior that I began to see how it was affecting my relationships and my emotional well-being. 

In this post, I want to share my story of breaking free from control and how surrendering to God and embracing acceptance has transformed my relationships—especially with my husband, Ren—and brought me true peace.

My Journey with Control

I have to be honest: I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t controlling. Growing up as the middle child, I was always trying to maintain order and perfection in everything. I had to have control over everything in my environment, especially in my shared bedroom. I remember physically drawing a line down the middle of our dresser with a permanent marker, claiming one side for myself and the other for my younger brother. It was a small thing, but it became a pattern that followed me through life.

As I grew older, my need for control intensified. I believed that if I could manage every aspect of my life and the lives of the people around me, nothing would go wrong. But what I didn’t realize was that control—especially when it comes from fear—actually destroys relationships.

In my marriage, I tried to control everything about Ren’s life—his struggles with addiction, his decisions, and even his feelings. I thought I was helping, but I was suffocating him. I also tried to control my children’s lives, believing that if I made every decision for them, they would avoid making the same mistakes I had made. But it wasn’t love. It was fear, and fear manifests as control.

The Wake-Up Call

The wake-up call came when Ren and I reached a breaking point in our marriage. Ren chose to leave, and I was left to reflect on why this was happening. I started to ask myself: why was I pushing everyone away? Why were the people I loved choosing to leave? And that’s when it hit me. I was controlling them to the point where they couldn’t grow or take responsibility for their own lives. I was overprotective, overbearing, and constantly trying to “fix” everything.

That realization was painful, but it was also the beginning of my journey toward healing.

Breaking Free from Control

As I began to understand my controlling behavior, I knew I needed to make a change. Here are the steps I took to break free from control and embrace a healthier, more peaceful way of being in my relationships:

1. Uncover the Root of My Control

The first step was to understand why I had become so controlling. It wasn’t just about wanting things to go my way—it was about fear. Fear of losing control, fear of being hurt, and fear of feeling vulnerable. But as I examined my past and my fears, I realized that I didn’t have control over anything. Life is unpredictable, and the illusion of control had been suffocating me. 

Action Step: If you’re struggling with control, take time to reflect on the fears that drive you. Understanding where your need for control comes from is key to breaking free.

2. Set Positive Goals

Instead of focusing on "not being controlling," I focused on what kind of person I wanted to become. I set a goal to be someone who accepted others, allowed them to grow, and validated their feelings. I wanted to be a source of support, not a force that dictated others’ actions.

Action Step: Set a positive goal for how you want to show up in your relationships. For example, make it a goal to actively listen without offering unsolicited advice or to validate others' emotions without trying to fix them.

3. Surrender Control to God

The most freeing part of my journey was surrendering control to God. I had spent years trying to “fix” everyone, but I couldn’t fix anything. I had to acknowledge that I didn’t have the power to change people—only God could. Trusting Him with my relationships, my fears, and my worries was life-changing. The more I surrendered to God, the more I felt peace. I stopped trying to control outcomes, and instead, I allowed myself to trust that God knows what’s best.

Action Step: Surrender the areas of your life where you’re holding on too tightly. Trust that God knows what’s best for you and the people you love.

The Impact of Letting Go

When I began to embrace acceptance over control, I noticed a profound shift in my relationships. Ren started taking responsibility for his actions and seeking help on his own terms. Instead of me trying to force him into recovery, he came to the realization that he needed help, and that made all the difference. 

I also noticed that when I stopped controlling, I started experiencing real love. I wasn’t manipulating people into loving me anymore. They were choosing to love me because I was allowing them to do so freely.

What You Can Do Today?

If you’re struggling with control in your relationships, know that change is possible. It won’t happen overnight, and it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth the effort. Here are the top three things I recommend for anyone trying to break free from control:

1. Uncover the Root of Your Control

Understand where your need to control comes from. Is it fear of rejection? Fear of failure? Once you know the root cause, you can start to address it.

2. Set Positive Goals

Instead of focusing on avoiding control, set goals for the kind of person you want to be. Aim to be more accepting, more supportive, and more present in your relationships. 

3. Surrender Control to God

Recognize that you can’t control everything. Surrender your relationships, fears, and worries to God. Trust that He knows what’s best for you and your loved ones.

Conclusion: Embrace the Freedom of Letting Go

Control might seem like a safety net, but it often traps us in a cycle of fear and disconnection. As I’ve learned, letting go of control and embracing acceptance not only deepens our relationships but also brings true peace. 

If you’re ready to break free from the need to control and embrace the freedom of letting go, take the first step today. Reflect on your own journey, and surrender to God. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. God's got it.

Want to learn more about how to break free from control and create healthier relationships? Reach out to Ren and Adele for personalized coaching and support in your journey toward freedom. Visit Ren and Adele for more resources and guidance.